The Sleepless Night

Neither I nor could she sleep all night. As if it was destined to be our night; a dark night that we would be sharing together. Her loud cries are still over my ears and mind, but not as a haunting memory but as the one to be savoured with a smile. How can I forget those hours when her smile was filling life in every moment. And, eventually I am ashamed of even thinking that she may get down as soon as possible because of her unbearable loud cries. Does the emotions change from day to night, I thought, as I had once heard that the monsters come to life in night. Were they talking about the monster within us?

Her fairest soft skin, her sharp nose and small ears behind her curly black hairs, her pure pink lips and poised brown eyes; how well the Lord had played with His own creativity. I knew the next morning our paths would be different, our destinations would be different, but it was my soul's pleasant desire that I couldn't take my eyes off her all day long. But, as the sun went down and later when the lights were switched off things were different.  She was restless, and too aggressive that I was afraid that the people around, irritated by her cries, might utter  unpleasant comments.

The motional dark night of no emotional content was too long because of her, but again too short once she was serene in her dreams. I guess she really had a beautiful dream that night, and I can only guess it as I didn't even get an opportunity to ask her about it next morning. She wasn't in front of my eyes. Her cold crumbled white bed sheet was telling she had gone. And, Even if I had asked, I know she wouldn't have answered. Not because she knew that I too was irritated by her cries, but because I knew an one year old child can't articulate her words. She can smile, cry or just say "Mama" or "mum", but nothing else. Her thoughts were gradually replaced by other ones as I heard the announcement that our train was entering the Hazrat Nizzamuddin station, within a feeling that " I won't be seeing her again in life."

RANDOM EXPERIENCES

I wasn’t acquainted with facebook that time; but orkut was my friend since last two months. As everyone was, I was too interested in getting into social networking when I was kind of person who preferred being less social. Every new (online) friend gave me a new scope of exploration that too when it was actually the era of thing called exploring. I knew the thing called divide and rule, I also knew a country runs with the knowledge called political Science or in a word, politics; then I also heard about the word called love; on the other side it also covered topics like foreplay, oral and intercourse. There was a big element called fun; but the bigger one was fun making.

That was the time when a kid was fed into a processing scheduled for a period of four years for delivering a product called (mature) engineer. There were actually many intermediate points (forgetting those major and minor attacks) between these four years when you need to take out your pen and without omitting the asterisk sign, begin penning the mature lesson of the day. If I would have done that way back, I must have bothered you to read all those 4 into 365 such points; lucky you, I just got a few and rest all is history:

* Politics is nothing less than God, it is too present everywhere. But here, being an atheist will be a big time problem.

* Accepting that you study during semester is much more sinful act than faking an orgasm. There is no other worse word than phodu that can fill immense humiliation in you.

* Falling in love is easy, falling again is extremely difficult; but falling once again is easiest.

* You may be cent percent selfless for a special one, but if your friend does so, what other word than chu**** can define him.

* Divide and rule isn’t a rotten philosophy; groupism still has its own pros and cons in the land to which we belong.

* Although Political science (netagiri), HR management (Jugaad Technology) and Lovology don’t have any credits in our curriculum; but the credit for maturity factor goes to them.

*People are mean, selfish, moody, choosy, weird, classy, cheesy, stubborn, irritating, but still there will be some to whom you will consider beyond their imperfections. Life’s vulgar, but they make it f**king awesome.

* If not others, getting high by drinks may help you; and that too when you are not good at crying out loud.

* If you aren’t diplomat, the tags like true as well as rude belong to you. But, beyond a level of maturity none of the tag will ever bother you.

* Change is inevitable; that too when you are along with friends who are always broke.

* Read the above point again.

If you feel like adding any point of your own experience, do share it (but without omitting the asterisk sign.) J

Romanticizing Death .. (14th Dec 2010)

( Before Going through this prose, I want you to listen a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuJrEBtmM1Q

(When You Say By Ronan Keating From Notting Hill)

Three.. Two.. One.. And I am still alive. But nothing could stop this to happen. I guess it’s the bonus time. I thought of opening my facebook account once again; actually activating it. But the prime replacement of thought was “let it be deactivated”; when my life will soon be deactivating.

I couldn’t resist; and my fingers -still conscious- landed over the keyboard.. Password: Pur****

And the outcome was “Your account has been activated”.

Bloody hell, my eyes –still conscious- can figure my relationship status as In a relationship; but what’s the use of changing it now. A change here and there would be numerous likes and comments. People who never intended to know with whom I was committed; would surely like to know the reasons behind my breakup.

I guess I can’t even count the number of times I heard this song; actually we heard this song TOGETHER; and my ears -still conscious- can sense it’s the only song in my playlist blah … blah … blah ..When you say nothing at all .. blah blah blah.., When you say nothing at all” But now I am totally pissed off why didn’t you said anything?

The smile on your face is so much away from me that I can only hold a pretentious smile; and even I don’t need to act much since it was only you who could sense that I am faking it. It may continue habitually now, after all you don’t need me anymore.

The truth in your eyes excelled in brimming dilemmas in my life that all I can do is wash them away with my tears. And no one can even figure out their dryness, since the one who can sense had already left me.

The touch of your hand never made me feel alone; but now anyone’s presence around me makes me helpless, since I can’t answer them when they ask how you both are doing?

The beauty of lyrics reframed within my own limited words is lying all over the floor. I can feel pity for these crumbled white papers; which once claimed that my love story will never turn yellow. I can feel it, since I am still conscious even after six pegs of whiskey. May be the words over my screen are dancing with the lyrics; but they aren’t actually of romantic genre.

Few fingers gripping the mouse, and rest of my another strong hand typing a text- Can we start again? – CLEAR – Can we start Again? – CLEAR – Can we start again? – CLEAR – And in a click, I swapped MS Word window with my facebook page; and guess what people know that I am single since last 26 minutes.

Certainly in the next few minutes my heavy eyes- almost conscious- will demand for bed, although I carry the same poison in my every single breathe. Love was the slow poison I took exactly six months back; but I took the best medicine on time, i.e. break up. Since the sound drunken sleep will not stop my breathe; what’s next in my box are the side effects waiting for me. Three.. Two.. One.. And I am still alive; OR just alive!!

One Night Stand!!

Amongst those soporific souls arranged in arrays of 3xn, I walked slowly to discover the ideal space to spend that long night. The hour hand had already jumped to the next two digits of my watch since midnight but still my legs were covering that small distance in the dim light. In a couple of steps my body seized, yet I was in motion when I found her sitting in front of me. She was as gorgeous as 6 years back when I first encountered her in our very first ED class. Confused over how to use the drafter, she was almost on the way to penetrate her divider into my butt. But I saved my ass that day. After six years, she wasn’t the same confused soul, but seemed to be more responsible and mature personality.

I thought of spending rest of the dark hours gazing at my first love in the dim light; but I don’t know why I stepped forward. I know it was too early to fall in the same trap again and too late when it was exactly the same trap. But before I could leave, a couple of small shaky steps resulted into our first physical contact. I stood still, and without any displacement, I took a ninety degree turn.

Her tender cheeks were pushing me softly and I was balancing the force by holding the opposite bar tightly. Her silky hairs trying to make me giggle and her closed eyes pushing my heart to cloud nine. I wonder how serendipity plays with our life. The girl, who seized my voice for 4 years when she appeared in front of me, that night, seized my motion; and even my life for those few hours. She was sitting still and I was standing still, yet both with each other and in the same harmonic motion for those shortest two hours of my life; that too when I expected it to be a long night. The to-and-fro motion of our flesh was so uniform throughout those dark hours.

But soon the night was lightened when glow along with a chaotic noise entered through the window. I was scared, really scared. I wished I could stay there for some more time, but the innocent voice of a kid from the window made her to open her eyes. And before she could discover that the stand of that one-night was me, I left.

She scratched her eyes with her soft fingers; and the kid again quoted those words, “chai ..chai..”. She slowly moved her head twice depicting a No to the kid and slept again; but this time leaning over the horizontal bars of the window. I never thought travelling without a ticket in Punjab Mail could gift me such memorable hours. Being a still-stand for few hours, when unknowingly a sleeping beauty and more-over my first love leaned over me in the dim light of train compartment, is the first and probably the most beautiful one-night stand I had; that too without losing my virginity.

Molding the box – 2

The words like bad, minor, vicious could never had gained importance without learning the meaning of division. Under the name of classification, the “one” world have been differentiated into uncountable categories. The one-good-world sounds a mere imagination; and when people ponder their heart for the change they end up discovering it to be an obsolete philosophy.

But, in actual, the good still stand out there, and we are not able to grab it because the other side too exists at exactly the same position. Like doesn’t attract like, unlike do. So there must be something good in you that is trying to attract the bad; may it be a bad feeling. How-so-ever the philosophies ask you to be positive and good, still once a while we fall in the trap of these negative thoughts. And hence, all philosophies sound obsolete since we tried really hard to avoid them.

Feel bad, it will help you to understand you better; but don’t let these feelings to over-rule you. Understand the good that exists in you since you were born. Spend time with yourself to know yourself better on the philosophical or theoretical grounds; but more than that, spend time with others to understand you on the practical or worldly grounds.

This is simple as anything; (only if you consider it simple) Stop complicating, start simplifying. Stop differentiating, start integrating. The divisions or boundaries that you have created regarding your goals, accomplishments, love, relations, mould them so they look bit hazy, rather than sharp. And you will feel the difference that these old-age philosophies can bring out.

Random Thoughts!!

Love is really shit. You pressurize yourself to bring it out of you, and then you have something or other to re-generate it. But sex isn’t the same shit, one can neither dare to taste it nor intentionally smell it.

The desire is not of being in love or having sex, but of being you. Clamped with rusted nuts, we just act to be happy; and if not happy yet mature. And then someone; who was also clamped somewhere and possibly played the same game of pretence; simply knock the nuts and set you free. Free to be you in their presence. You can laugh with everyone; but you can cry just in front of them. And certainly, we call it Love.

Clutched between metals and materials, I thought of penning down a love story of two cancerains. But soon, when the real account that inspired me to write was on mid-way, I realized they weren’t together anymore. I wish I could write their story with my pen, but it will remain a story, a dream that he wished to come true. The story remained incomplete, and eventually deleted from my pages. But they are penning their accounts, anecdotes by anecdotes, separately in their own diaries which will remain undercover forever.

.

.

Socrates was once asked, “What’s the cure for love at first sight?”

The great philosopher said, “Take a closer look. It helps a lot”.

- A story that turned into random thoughts!!

People ask me how can i write so much about love, when I never had a successful love story?
and I say, "One sided Love Stories teach the MOST"

To whom do you beautifully belong?

Unknowingly, 14th june turned out to be a memorable day of my life. It was you who occupied the entire day of this idiot. And now since I know what you mean to me, how can I waste any moment to let you know what you mean to me.

If your mind, the sub conscious one; or souls around you, the conscious ones, ask you someday, “To whom do you beautifully belong?” May be you won’t utter my name but I want my silhouette, carved in splendid colors, to be in your eyes; my words, voiced for your praise, knocking your ears; my hand over your shoulder; and my hearbeat in your virgin heart. And just a smile over your gorgeous face will say- “Yes, I belong to you and you belong to me, certainly beautifully.”

You don’t need to say anything, Am I that idiotic that I won’t understand your silence?

I never understood why a lover need to be on knees while expressing his love, Why a person bend on knees while making his prayer, Why a sufferer cry on knees while he is broken..
Just because he needs to surrender him entirely, his soul entirely to the one he always desired. And I won’t take any more moment to surrender my life to you and in you, because I love You.
Do you ?